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| In my futile attempt to sleep, I decided to get up and write something... about nothing. Well, really... all I want to say is this: sometimes, I just feel like saying, "screw people--I'll just be by myself."
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| i've sat on my chair for the last 30 min trying to figure out what to
write. I need to let out something... i need to gather my thoughts and
make sense of them. well, sometimes I just can't get them together.
Maybe this is when I have too much in my mind that I just want to sit
down in God's presence and cry. Who else can understand me without
explaining my thoughts, elaborating my difficulties, hardships, and
heartaches? Who can really understand me without saying a single word;
more than understanding--knowing and feeling my pain?
Lord, i
feel like giving up. I can't take much more of this... I feel terribly
alone. I know you're there... but can you speak to me? Can you let me
feel your presence? Can you just... hug me?
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| Where do i begin? Again... How do i begin to recount the overwhelming experience in the last 2 months? I feel like i could a book about it almost. How does one articulate an intricate discombobulation of a situation from an incoherent broken heart? How do you let it flow without leaping through different stages in time avoiding painful memories?
You know, I just thought about it... If i constantly allow myself to get into a state where I am just mulling over the depressing parts of my life, I will develop a habit of writing only the sad parts of my life on this blog. But it's so easy to delve into sorrowful emotions. Blah.
In an effort to keep my spirits up, I will do my best to recount only the good things. Uhm... got distracted. Hopefully I can write something here this week that has more substance... Not that anyone really reads this, but it's good for me to keep track of where i am. Besides, reading old blogs is fun or just makes you think, "wow, i really felt that way?" Well, for people that keep journals or blogs, i'm pretty sure they all know what i'm talking about.
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| I don't think I can give up writing in this place... I guess i'm sort of used to writing here when i have no one else to speak to.
I don't even exactly know what i'd like to settle in my mind but at least this is a start.
I think i'll start writing here again. Whether it may be for my trading blogs or for my emotional blogs---i'll write again.
OK, here's one thought... I read an old entry I made sometime October and i thought to myself, "hmm... am i willing to let go without having backups?" You know what, i think I can. I don't care about having backups right now, i just wish that all these struggles cease. Besides, I am starting to fear that there wont be enough time spent on me in the future. Yah, i guess i'm really just selfish.
At any rate, i'll choose for her since she's having a hard time letting me go. I think i'll let her go. This is it for now. I'm tired. It's freakin close to 4 am in the morning and i have to go to work.
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| life is a big blah sometimes...
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